FREE: People Watching People Wear Eclipse Glasses Glasses

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

While you may have your glasses to watch the coming solar eclipse, we doubt that you have the glasses needed to protect your face grapes from the masses gawking up at the sun. There's no need to worry though! We have you covered!

All you have to do to get your free pair of People Watching People Wear Eclipse Glasses Glasses, is click the link on the button below! That's right! We swear it doesn't lead to something completely unrelated! Why would we do that? It makes no sense! This is important! So click now!

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Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Maroon Ranger and Mule Zord Confirmed for Power Rangers Sequel

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

With the success of the 2017 reboot of the Power Rangers, it's no surprise that a sequel is coming. While many are begging for the Green Ranger and White Ranger to appear in the sequel, it seems that fans are in for a treat. We will not only be getting the return of Tommy Oliver, but we will be getting a brand new Ranger as well: the Maroon Ranger.

With deep connections to Poplar Bluff, one of the producers made the move to have his home town represented in Power Rangers 2. That also means, that we get the exclusive first look at the Maroon Ranger, the Mule Zord, and a confirmation on the casting!

The Maroon Ranger is as much of a leader as the Red Ranger, but as the color difference suggests, they are similar, but Maroon has a slightly darker and bluer side.

"The Maroon Ranger is a hands-on, go getter," says the producer. "That's why he will be the first Power Ranger to ever build his own Zord!"

As you can see, the Maroon Ranger's engineering skills and brains help make him one of the toughest and most volatile Power Rangers to-date!

So who could pull off the role of a strong, smart, resourceful leader with a dark side? Well, we think the producers got this one right! Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will be playing a teacher who moved from Poplar Bluff to Angel Grove. He will also be the first Power Ranger that has ever been bigger than the Zord that he controls!

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Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Poplar Bluff Native to Co-Star in Spider-Man: Homecoming

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

The trailer for Web Head’s newest film “Spider-Man: Homecoming” has hit the world wide web, and it appears that one of Poplar Bluff’s very own will be starring as Peter Parker’s best friend! 

In this new trailer we see a much younger and nerdier Peter Parker than we have ever seen on film. In “Spider-Man: Homecoming” Parker will be a young high school student fighting dangerous villains, like the Vulture, and puberty. Helping Peter along the way will be his best friend, Ned. Ned appears to be a socially awkward, less-than-fit Asian American, and they couldn't have casted a better choice than Fox Radio Network employee, Nico Cuevas. It was almost like he was born for this role. Ned and Nico can’t get the girl, are always the sidekick, and verge on creepy.

We got an exclusive interview with Nico Cuevas, and this is what he had to say:

The Faux Fox: How did you keep starring in the new Spider-Man film a secret?!?

Nico Cuevas: What are you talking about?

TFF: We see that you’re playing Ned in Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Nico: Dude! That’s not me!

TFF: It’s okay, they released the trailer officially. You can tell us now.

Nico: I swear that’s not me!

TFF: Oh? Well, like, are you at least related to him?

Nico: No! Well, I don’t know. Probably not.

TFF: You heard it here first ladies and gents: Nico Cuevas may or may not be related to a guy in a movie. If you haven’t seen the Spider-Man: Homecoming trailer, check it out below!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

CYBER MONDAY DEAL: 100% Off Nicolas Cage in Poplar Bluff Wallpapers

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Download these wallpapers of Academy Award Winner Nicolas Cage at the Claudia House and Historical Rodgers Theatre at a ridiculous 100% off!

These wallpapers can help bring the best of Hollywood and Poplar Bluff to your computer, tablet, or smart phone! Normally listed at $799.99 per download, now is your chance to get them for 100% off!

Literally the biggest star in Hollywood is ready to take your prom and formal pictures with you!

Nic Cage taking in the Views of Downtown Poplar Bluff

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Cold Front Coming to Missouri Revealed to Be David Blaine Illusion

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Coming off of his special, Beyond Magic, that aired on ABC at on Tuesday night, David Blaine has been toiling away at one of his greatest tricks and feats yet: containing an entire cold front in his stomach, and releasing it on command.

During his 2013 special, Blaine revealed that he had been working on a technique that he has calls “water spouting.” With this technique, Blaine manages to store large amounts of clean water in his body, and bring it up at will. He has continued to master this technique, by adding the element of housing frogs in his stomach. 

It would seem that this would be as far as someone could go with this “trick,” but apparently this has all been leading up to largest trick, in terms of scale, for Blaine. 

Scientists, doctors, and meteorologists alike are in complete awe of Blaine’s next stunt. “It’s hard to fathom how he manages to keep the conditions of a cold front stored in his body,” says famed physician, Dr. Acula, “but it’s not only unfathomable. It’s also extremely dangerous.”

One false move or muscle spasm could change the conditions in his stomach from brisk and chilly, to unstable and dangerous. “If he hiccups, there’s a risk of brewing a lighting storm in his own body, and shocking himself to death,” says Dr. Acula. “If he farts, he could create rotation in his abdomen, and develop an F5 tornado that would cause him to collapse into himself and disappear from existence.”

For the sake of Blaine’s safety, as well as our electric bills, we hope this trick goes as planned.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving in Poplar Bluff

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

American’s aren’t the only people who have things to be thankful for! There are many different nationalities that are grateful, like Mexicans, German, Japanese, and sometimes, even the French!

Today, though, we celebrate Thanksgiving with our neighbors to the north! No, not Iowa! CANADA!!! Here are the top 10 ways to celebrate Canadian thanksgiving in Poplar Bluff, Missouri.

10: Wake Up

Some people take consciousness for granted, but not the Canadians! Open your eyes and quit snoring for a fun and affordable way to celebrate the holidays!

9: Go to School/Work

There’s no reason to celebrate the holiday alone. Greet your peers and coworkers with a classic Canadian greeting like, “hello” or “hi!” Is there anything better than getting paid to be Canadian thankful?

8: Wear a Jacket in the Morning/Evening

We’re not quite in the tundra, but Poplar Bluff can be sort of cold in the morning and evening. Why not grab a festive jacket or even a nice sweater vest? But don’t be surprised if someone says “Nice sweater vest; are you from Canada?” Just give them a nice smile and reply, “I don’t know what you’re talking ABOOT.”

7: Don’t Shave

Do Canadians have beards? Who knows? Just play it safe and put the razor down.

6: Have a Party at Skate City

We don’t have an ice rink in town, but we do have the hottest party spot in the area: Skate City. Children and unsupervised teenagers alike really enjoy this local landmark. Why not have a classic Canadian Thanksgiving Dinner in the ball pit?!?
 

5: Find the TV Remote

Oh there it is!
 

4: Leave Your Doors Unlocked

Canadians are known for their politeness, and very rarely lock the doors to their homes. We can do the same here, and even push it further! Don’t just leave your home unlocked, but keep the windows of your car rolled down, remove the password from your phone, and keep your shoe laces untied.

3: Shower Twice

Have you ever seen a dirty Canadian? Not once. Take an ice cold shower before and after dinner to help get into the Canadian Thanksgiving Spirit.

2: Eat at a Mexican restaurant

Nothing says Canadian Thanksgiving quite like cheese, protein, tortillas, and rice. You have a lot of choices in our area for great authentic Mexican Canadian food: Taco Taco, Las Margaritas, Maya’s, Tio’s, El Acapulco, Casa Grande, and Taco Bell.

1: Don’t Post About Trump or Clinton

You know what? That’s not our problem today. Keep Canadian Thanksgiving Sacred and give it a rest already.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Poplar Bluff Possum Actually Got Well Soon

This is NOT NEWS.

A few days ago, in Poplar Bluff, Missouri, many people were subjected to a disturbing image at the intersection of Westwood Boulevard and Pine Street. What started out as a normal day for most Poplar Bluff residents and commuters, turned out to be one of the strangest days in 2016.

Laying in the median was what appeared to be a dead possum. This isn't anywhere out of the ordinary for this part of the country, but that's not all to the story.

Via Lyvonda

While most people simply drive by possums, raccoons, and squirrels, and at times, run them over again; it appears that a good Samaritan had decided that enough was enough. This announymous citizen went to a store to purchase a balloon saying "Get Well Soon!" He/she returned to the site and proceeded to attach the balloon to the possum. This strange act of kindness was seen and captured by multiple people traveling through the busy intersection.

A few days later, the possum seemed to be gone. After some investigation, The Faux Fox team discovered one of the most remarkable miracles to happen this side of the Mississippi. 

We caught up to the sick possum, who revealed to us in an exclusive interview that his name was Paul. This is the conversation that went down.

The Faux Fox: Could you tell us what happened that day?

Paul: Ya know what? I really don't remember much. I had just visited the Poplar Bluff Junior High to drop off my daughter's medication. She's quite forgetful. Anyways, I've had some troubles finding a job, so I decided to pay a visit to some of the businesses around the area and see if they were hiring. Next thing I know...

TFF: Boom?

Paul: Boom. A car hit me, which I'm still upset about, because I had the right-away. At the same time, I've never experienced such an act of kindness, that I don't think I can have hate in my heart the same way I used to.

TFF: So who was it that attached that balloon to you?

Paul: It was actually a cat?

TFF: Wait, what?

Paul: You know! Nine lives. Always land on their feet. Will eat their owners if they die.

TFF: No, we know what a cat is, but how does a cat purchase a balloon, and then manage to tie it around you.

Paul: You see, it's that old type of thinking that is holding this country back. Who's to say that a cat can't be successful, and tie knots without opposable thumbs? Here's the thing. When that cat wasn't just wishing me luck. She actually bought an awesome dumpster for me and my children to live in, and she even offered me a job!

TFF: That's great! So what are you doing now?

Paul: Well, luckily I'm able to work at home as a moderator for her website. So I get to be at home with my family, and be there for them, but still get to make money to support them. You know, people say that miracles don't happen anymore, but they're wrong. You're looking at one right now.

via Crystal

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Our Dog Ate Our Article; Can You Read and Share So We Can Pass this Class?!?

This is NOT NEWS

We have discovered how to truly achieve world peace, and it's easier than you would expect! All that we have to do is simply...

No Trevor! Stop!

That's our article!

That's supposed to make us money...

I mean, help us pass this class...

We need that...

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Poplar Bluff Teacher Has the Audacity to Celebrate Same Birthday As Mother Teresa

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

In 1910, one of the world's greatest and most charitable people was born in Macedonia. Mother Teresa spent the majority of her life making a positive impact in our world, and she should absolutely be celebrated. Unfortunately there are some who might be trying to take her birthday away from her.

Some big name stars, including James Harden, Chris Pine, and Macaulay Culkin, are just a part of the movement that celebrate their births on August 26. While this isn't a surprise for the world of celebrities, we never thought that a local teacher would stoop so low as to celebrate their birthday on this day.

As a coach and teacher, this man has the responsibility of developing the next generation of leaders. He has the responsibility of helping the future Mother Teresas of the world, but how can he when he won't even give up his birthday to celebrate the winner of the 1979 Nobel Peace Prize.

If you see this man, you have two options, wish him the happiest of birthdays, or throw soup at him to remind him of Mother Teresa's work to feed the hungry and more!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Sign the Petition to Bring the 2020 Olympic Games to Poplar Bluff

This is NOT NEWS.

With the 2016 Rio Olympic Games Underway, it's hard not to get caught up in the competition. That is why we are willing to compete with Tokyo and the entire nation of Japan in order to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games.

We think Poplar Bluff could be the perfect host for the Olympics. We can host the opening ceremony at the Historic Rodgers Theatre. We have two football stadiums with tracks. We have a couple of pools; above and underground. There is also a bunch of land that nobody seems to be doing anything with.

Yes, Poplar Bluff is perfect, and it's a no-brainer, but we can't make this happen without your help!

Sign the petition below to make an impact, and make the Japanese really sad!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Celebrate National Girlfriend Day with Taylor Swift... Kinda

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Today is National Girlfriend Day, and for a lot of you, this is an awesome time to celebrate and show off the women that make us better. The rest of us have to spend the day like any other day, hungry, tired, and alone... or do we.

We have provided two pictures that you can photoshop yourself in, and allow yourself to become Taylor Swift's new bae! Who wouldn't want to be the 100% honest and genuine pop star?!?

She may not sing "country" music anymore, but you know she still loves those rural American roots! Why not catch a bluegrass concert with Taylor Swift to celebrate the big holiday?

T-Swift is new to the area, so why not show her your old stomping grounds! Bring Taylor by the Poplar Bluff Junior High and welcome her to the "Home of the Mules."

Be sure to tag The Faux Fox when you share these pictures all over Facebook and brag to your friends and parents!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Underwater Chick-fil-A to Open in Lake Wappapello

This is NOT NEWS.

It seems that there have been rumors that Chick-fil-A would be opening a location in Poplar Bluff for the past decade, but all have been false to this point. Luckily, it seems that we are getting something even more special: an Underwater Chick-fil-A in the depths of Lake Wappapello. We had a chance to talk to Pete Moore Chicken, who is bringing this one of a kind experience to southeast Missouri.

TFF: How did this idea for and Underwater Chick-fil-A come to you?
PMC: I was actually fishing in the middle of the lake. You know? A prime spot for waterskiing, tubing, or other things that I was getting in the way of. I had only caught a few white crappie, a frog, and a can of Bud Light, when the thought hit me like a ton of bricks. "You know what sounds good?" I asked myself. "Some chicken and pickles! I'm gonna put a Chick-fil-A right here!"

TFF: What is it about Chick-fil-A that people around here crave so much?
PMC: It's just a wonderful blend of fried chicken, bread, and Southern Baptist theology.

TFF: How do you plan on waterproofing the restaurant and everything inside?
PMC: I don't.

TFF: What?
PMC: If I wanted a waterproofed Chick-fil-A, I'd put it in that dried up land by the new hospital in Poplar Bluff. When you come to my Chick-fil-A, you're not only getting a delicious chicken sandwich, but you will also be getting to taste the flavors that only a 75 year-old man-made lake can give you.

TFF: Very cool. In terms of safety, are you required to have lifeguards on duty?
PMC: Not to worry, we are hiring a couple of 15 year-olds who just passed their lifeguard exams to ensure the safety of all men, women, and children who are paying customers.

We will keep you up to date with when you can expect the Underwater Chick-Fil-A to be open.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

THIS JUST IN: Kevin Durant Could Sign with Poplar Bluff Mules

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

With NBA Free Agency starting today (July 1), some big stars will be calling a new city their home. NBA Champion Timofey Mozgov has agreed to a multi-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers, Jeremy Lin has signed with the Brooklyn Nets, and the biggest free agent of the summer, Kevin Durant, could be moving to an even smaller market.

According to Faux Fox basketball analyst and resident can of potato chips, Crisp Broussard, Kevin Durant could soon be wearing the maroon and white.

We all know that Crisp Broussard never gets anything wrong, so there's no reason to not start preparing for what could be the greatest run in Poplar Bluff Basketball history since the Hansbrough brothers. 

The combination of Durant and Marcedus Leech could make for a dynamic duo that could take Missouri and the rest of the nation by storm. We fully expect the fans of the Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers to hop on the Mules bandwagon.

We will update you with the contract information as soon we find out what a contract is.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Missouri's Mosquitoes More Excited Than Most Americans for 4th of July

This is NOT NEWS.

According to a study done by students at The Faux Fox University, the number of mosquitoes celebrating Independence Day in Missouri alone, heavily outweighs the number of Americans celebrating the Fourth of July in the continental United States. The numbers even surprised the most experienced professors in the Insect Holidayology department.

"Insects typically are pretty quiet around American holidays," says Dr. Doug Zapper, the leading Insect Holidayologist in the state. "Most of them are actually dead around Halloween and Christmas. So to see them so vocal and excited for the Fourth of July every year is so exciting."

Mosquitoes Celebrating Fourth of July 2016

After a quick look at the percentages, it's easy to see that 98% of mosquitoes across the United States are planning to celebrate the holiday, with a large portion planning to celebrate somewhere in southeast Missouri.

We interviewed Mizz Zizz, queen of the mosquito colony at Lake Wappapello, to see how and why her MosquiBros are celebrating the Fourth.

TFF: So what is it about the American Independence that gets you so excited?
MZ: We spend a lot of time throughout the summer months with Americans. They typically don't like it too much, but the Fourth of July marks a special time where Americans and mosquitoes all go out to celebrate. It's a perfect example the cultural melting pot that we have here in the United States.

TFF: Why Missouri, of all places?
MZ: It's not the only place that we are celebrating this year, but I guess the best way to describe it would be to relate it to an excellent school system. The fireworks at Wappapello Lake, Current River, and Black River are really attractive to young mosquito families. Ditch Road in Poplar Bluff on the Fourth of July is like Homecoming, Prom, and Graduation all wrapped into one. I can't imagine sucking blood anywhere else.

TFF: Do you feel as if you are appropriating another culture's holiday?
MZ: Hey man! How many actual Mexicans do you see celebrate Cynco De Mayo in Poplar Bluff?!? There aren't many, but those parties are still craaaazy!

As we ended our interview with Mizz Zizz, she gave us a goodbye bite on the palm. I then smacked my hands together, killing Mizz Zizz, and I am now being taken away to Mosquito prison.

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

BREAKING: 'The Well' in Downtown Poplar Bluff was Never an Actual Well

This is NOT NEWS.

For years, many of us thought that 'The Well,' located next to Hay's Music in Downtown Poplar Bluff, Missouri, was a substantial water source, but after years of investigation, it appears that wasn't actually the case.

"You know we never thought anything of it," said a Poplar Bluff local. "We would see sweaty kids that just looked so thirsty and exhausted sitting outside of 'The Well' or in the parking lot across the street."

"I went to The Well a couple of times when I was 16. There was always a band playing music," said HxC Kevin, a former attendee of The Well. "I just assumed that The Well had dried up by the time my mom was able to drop me off, and that's why everyone was flailing their arms around. I mean, if that wasn't a rain dance, I have no idea what is."

We have yet to understand whether or not water was actually accessible at The Well, or what the purpose of it was once the water had eventually disappeared. We also are looking into how those who ran The Well continued to get away with charging $10 at the door and $8 prior, but would not provide the water that locals had paid the price of admission to receive.

It wasn't only Poplar Bluff natives that were ripped off. Teenagers in tight pants from all over the area would travel to The Well in Poplar Bluff, only to leave disappointed and thirsty.

There is still so much we don't know, but we are doing our due diligence to get to the bottom of this.

"I was there all of the time," said Nico Cuevas, "but I have no idea what was happening about 90% of the time."

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Is Poplar Bluff Receiving a Name Change?

This is NOT NEWS.

Our sources tell us that Poplar Bluff, which was first incorporated in 1870, could be receiving its first official name change, and it could be coming sooner than you'd expect.

It all started when one of our eagle eyed reporters noticed an interesting sign just off of Township Line. 

The sign clearly says, "Oplar Bluff, MO," meaning that Poplar Bluff could be dropping the first "p" and capitalizing an "O." Now, if this was a chalkboard, or even a dry-erase board, we could understand this being a mistake or an experiment. With this being literally "set-in-stone" there is little cause for us to doubt that this change is coming.

We talked to a few locals about why this is a welcome change for the growing community.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poplar tree in my life. What do they even look like?”

— Stacy, 13 years old

“This phone keeps on changing “Poplar Bluff” to “Popular Bluff” and I can’t figure out how to stop that. Also, while you’re here, what’s a spam folder?”

— Ethel, Age Unknown

“Yeah, Poplar Bluff is a good place to raise a family, but Oplar Bluff could be a GREAT place to raise a family!”

— Pete, 45 years old

““No! Mommy! Mine!””

— Savannah, 2 years old

Here at The Faux Fox, we're excited for the change, and can't wait to cheer on the Oplar Bluff Ules come Ootball Season!

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Is the Poplar Bluff Panda Express Already Haunted?

This is NOT NEWS.

If rumors are to be believed, the Panda Express location in Poplar Bluff, MO could be haunted by the ghosts of teens with no better place to be.

For many years, the Walmart parking lot at the corner of Westwood Boulevard and Cherry Street, has been a popular place for Poplar Bluffians to park their cars, and do absolutely nothing. While plenty of teens used this area to meet-up with friends to discuss plans for what remained of the night, a vast majority of those who frequented this location had no intentions of leaving, and still don't to this day.

Knowing the rich history of this location, we were curious as to how the residual energy of those parked teens would effect the construction of Panda Express. We sent our Faux Fox Ghost Hunting team to the site to see what they could find. 

The following are notes from our FFGH Team Captain.

6:00 PM - Arrived on site. Not much happening yet. Forgot to eat before we came. Wish the Panda Express was open already. Some Cashew Chicken sounds delicious. Sending our intern, Ryan, to grab some food from Beijing down the street.

6:45 PM - Hard to tell if sounds of trucks or cars are from ghosts, or just the billion cars that are in the parking lot, and driving up and down Westwood. I suppose it's ghosts, but we'll make sure.

6:46 PM - Ryan has returned with food for the team. He didn't get enough fortune cookies for the whole team. Some will have to share. 

6:50 PM - I had to share a fortune cookie with Ryan. He didn't let me read the fortune. He said it's bad luck. Not sure why that would be the case. That dude is so weird.

7:00 PM - Activity seems to be picking up slightly. We're picking up more truck rumblings on our audio recorders, with a few traces of Kid Rock and Nelly. Safe to assume these songs aren't coming from the same ghost vehicle. At least two ghost vehicles present.

8:30 PM - There is a minimum of six ghost vehicles present at one time. A handful leave, but return within 10-20 minutes. We've captured an audible "Oh my God, Becky!" Looking at the waveform, we are certain this came from a ghost 2006 Pontiac Sunfire, with a 17 year old female driver, two 16 year old female passengers, and one 23 year old female passenger that really needs to find friends her own age.

10:00 PM - A couple of engines being revved up. Doesn't seem to be an intention to race. Have heard some screeching tires as well. That should attract some attention from the ghost police.

11:00 PM - Ghost police have showed up. Ghost officer telling ghost teen to quit ghost loitering. Ghost teen exclaims "It's a free country." 

12:00 PM - All is quiet. Even ghosts realize nothing happens in Poplar Bluff past 11:00 p.m.

While it does appear to have some paranormal activity, we believe that future customers of Panda Express have nothing to fear. The ghost loiterers appear to be harmless, and won't actually take up any parking.

If you see any haunted locations, let us know. If not, cool.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings