Underwater Chick-fil-A to Open in Lake Wappapello

This is NOT NEWS.

It seems that there have been rumors that Chick-fil-A would be opening a location in Poplar Bluff for the past decade, but all have been false to this point. Luckily, it seems that we are getting something even more special: an Underwater Chick-fil-A in the depths of Lake Wappapello. We had a chance to talk to Pete Moore Chicken, who is bringing this one of a kind experience to southeast Missouri.

TFF: How did this idea for and Underwater Chick-fil-A come to you?
PMC: I was actually fishing in the middle of the lake. You know? A prime spot for waterskiing, tubing, or other things that I was getting in the way of. I had only caught a few white crappie, a frog, and a can of Bud Light, when the thought hit me like a ton of bricks. "You know what sounds good?" I asked myself. "Some chicken and pickles! I'm gonna put a Chick-fil-A right here!"

TFF: What is it about Chick-fil-A that people around here crave so much?
PMC: It's just a wonderful blend of fried chicken, bread, and Southern Baptist theology.

TFF: How do you plan on waterproofing the restaurant and everything inside?
PMC: I don't.

TFF: What?
PMC: If I wanted a waterproofed Chick-fil-A, I'd put it in that dried up land by the new hospital in Poplar Bluff. When you come to my Chick-fil-A, you're not only getting a delicious chicken sandwich, but you will also be getting to taste the flavors that only a 75 year-old man-made lake can give you.

TFF: Very cool. In terms of safety, are you required to have lifeguards on duty?
PMC: Not to worry, we are hiring a couple of 15 year-olds who just passed their lifeguard exams to ensure the safety of all men, women, and children who are paying customers.

We will keep you up to date with when you can expect the Underwater Chick-Fil-A to be open.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

BREAKING: 'The Well' in Downtown Poplar Bluff was Never an Actual Well

This is NOT NEWS.

For years, many of us thought that 'The Well,' located next to Hay's Music in Downtown Poplar Bluff, Missouri, was a substantial water source, but after years of investigation, it appears that wasn't actually the case.

"You know we never thought anything of it," said a Poplar Bluff local. "We would see sweaty kids that just looked so thirsty and exhausted sitting outside of 'The Well' or in the parking lot across the street."

"I went to The Well a couple of times when I was 16. There was always a band playing music," said HxC Kevin, a former attendee of The Well. "I just assumed that The Well had dried up by the time my mom was able to drop me off, and that's why everyone was flailing their arms around. I mean, if that wasn't a rain dance, I have no idea what is."

We have yet to understand whether or not water was actually accessible at The Well, or what the purpose of it was once the water had eventually disappeared. We also are looking into how those who ran The Well continued to get away with charging $10 at the door and $8 prior, but would not provide the water that locals had paid the price of admission to receive.

It wasn't only Poplar Bluff natives that were ripped off. Teenagers in tight pants from all over the area would travel to The Well in Poplar Bluff, only to leave disappointed and thirsty.

There is still so much we don't know, but we are doing our due diligence to get to the bottom of this.

"I was there all of the time," said Nico Cuevas, "but I have no idea what was happening about 90% of the time."

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings

Is the Poplar Bluff Panda Express Already Haunted?

This is NOT NEWS.

If rumors are to be believed, the Panda Express location in Poplar Bluff, MO could be haunted by the ghosts of teens with no better place to be.

For many years, the Walmart parking lot at the corner of Westwood Boulevard and Cherry Street, has been a popular place for Poplar Bluffians to park their cars, and do absolutely nothing. While plenty of teens used this area to meet-up with friends to discuss plans for what remained of the night, a vast majority of those who frequented this location had no intentions of leaving, and still don't to this day.

Knowing the rich history of this location, we were curious as to how the residual energy of those parked teens would effect the construction of Panda Express. We sent our Faux Fox Ghost Hunting team to the site to see what they could find. 

The following are notes from our FFGH Team Captain.

6:00 PM - Arrived on site. Not much happening yet. Forgot to eat before we came. Wish the Panda Express was open already. Some Cashew Chicken sounds delicious. Sending our intern, Ryan, to grab some food from Beijing down the street.

6:45 PM - Hard to tell if sounds of trucks or cars are from ghosts, or just the billion cars that are in the parking lot, and driving up and down Westwood. I suppose it's ghosts, but we'll make sure.

6:46 PM - Ryan has returned with food for the team. He didn't get enough fortune cookies for the whole team. Some will have to share. 

6:50 PM - I had to share a fortune cookie with Ryan. He didn't let me read the fortune. He said it's bad luck. Not sure why that would be the case. That dude is so weird.

7:00 PM - Activity seems to be picking up slightly. We're picking up more truck rumblings on our audio recorders, with a few traces of Kid Rock and Nelly. Safe to assume these songs aren't coming from the same ghost vehicle. At least two ghost vehicles present.

8:30 PM - There is a minimum of six ghost vehicles present at one time. A handful leave, but return within 10-20 minutes. We've captured an audible "Oh my God, Becky!" Looking at the waveform, we are certain this came from a ghost 2006 Pontiac Sunfire, with a 17 year old female driver, two 16 year old female passengers, and one 23 year old female passenger that really needs to find friends her own age.

10:00 PM - A couple of engines being revved up. Doesn't seem to be an intention to race. Have heard some screeching tires as well. That should attract some attention from the ghost police.

11:00 PM - Ghost police have showed up. Ghost officer telling ghost teen to quit ghost loitering. Ghost teen exclaims "It's a free country." 

12:00 PM - All is quiet. Even ghosts realize nothing happens in Poplar Bluff past 11:00 p.m.

While it does appear to have some paranormal activity, we believe that future customers of Panda Express have nothing to fear. The ghost loiterers appear to be harmless, and won't actually take up any parking.

If you see any haunted locations, let us know. If not, cool.

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This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings