This is NOT NEWS.
According to a study done by students at The Faux Fox University, the number of mosquitoes celebrating Independence Day in Missouri alone, heavily outweighs the number of Americans celebrating the Fourth of July in the continental United States. The numbers even surprised the most experienced professors in the Insect Holidayology department.
"Insects typically are pretty quiet around American holidays," says Dr. Doug Zapper, the leading Insect Holidayologist in the state. "Most of them are actually dead around Halloween and Christmas. So to see them so vocal and excited for the Fourth of July every year is so exciting."
Mosquitoes Celebrating Fourth of July 2016
After a quick look at the percentages, it's easy to see that 98% of mosquitoes across the United States are planning to celebrate the holiday, with a large portion planning to celebrate somewhere in southeast Missouri.
We interviewed Mizz Zizz, queen of the mosquito colony at Lake Wappapello, to see how and why her MosquiBros are celebrating the Fourth.
TFF: So what is it about the American Independence that gets you so excited?
MZ: We spend a lot of time throughout the summer months with Americans. They typically don't like it too much, but the Fourth of July marks a special time where Americans and mosquitoes all go out to celebrate. It's a perfect example the cultural melting pot that we have here in the United States.
TFF: Why Missouri, of all places?
MZ: It's not the only place that we are celebrating this year, but I guess the best way to describe it would be to relate it to an excellent school system. The fireworks at Wappapello Lake, Current River, and Black River are really attractive to young mosquito families. Ditch Road in Poplar Bluff on the Fourth of July is like Homecoming, Prom, and Graduation all wrapped into one. I can't imagine sucking blood anywhere else.
TFF: Do you feel as if you are appropriating another culture's holiday?
MZ: Hey man! How many actual Mexicans do you see celebrate Cynco De Mayo in Poplar Bluff?!? There aren't many, but those parties are still craaaazy!
As we ended our interview with Mizz Zizz, she gave us a goodbye bite on the palm. I then smacked my hands together, killing Mizz Zizz, and I am now being taken away to Mosquito prison.
Have a happy and safe Fourth of July!
This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.
Written by Nico Cuevas.
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings